The following have been supplied by the Rev Steve Oram (so don’t blame me!)

New version of Apostles’ Creed

When our church began live streaming its services, our minister was at first a bit nervous. Still, he kept his cool, and you would never have known he was struggling until he reached the Apostles’ Creed. Then he firmly announced that Jesus was…”confused by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary…”

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New style of prayer

Our minister is still getting used to live streaming our church services. Last Sunday he invited us to join him digitally in prayer by saying firmly: “Let’s bow our eyes and close our heads.”

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Crazy?

Our minister wanted the title of his next sermon to be posted ahead of time on the church website. He rang our church warden and said that the title was to be: ‘Are Ministers Crazy?’

Not hearing this as a question, the church warden dutifully posted: ‘Our Minister’s Crazy.’

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Beware

As you prepare for the school holidays, remember this: children are natural mimics. They act like us in spite of all our attempts to teach them good manners.

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Pancakes

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, five, and Ryan, three. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the chance for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.’”

Quick as a wink, Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

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Seagull

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?”

“He died and went to heaven,” the father replied.

The boy thought a moment and then asked: “Why did God throw him back down?”

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Lost in translation

Last year, some friends took their six-year-old on a car trip to France. To help pass the time on the way down to the Channel, they encouraged their son to practise his new reading skills by calling out road signs.

He fell asleep just before they entered France. When he awoke, he saw the French motorway signs and said in a worried tone, “I think I forgot how to read while I was asleep.”

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Why did God make mothers?
Here are some of the answers seven-year-olds gave to the following questions…

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?
God knew she likes me a lot more than other kids’ mums like me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?
I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

What did your mum need to know about your dad before she married him?
His last name.

Why did your mum marry your dad?
She got too old to do anything else with him.

What’s the difference between mums & dads?
Mum knows how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

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Actual complaints received by a resort chain (before lockdown!)

On my holiday to India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.

We booked an excursion to a water park, but no one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price.

The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.

No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.

It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.

We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.

I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.

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Coronavirus: For the first time in history, we can help save the human race by lying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let’s not mess this one up!

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The queue

While waiting in a long queue early one morning for the supermarket to open for us ‘seniors’, I was surprised to see a young man saunter along and try to cut in at the front of the queue. A furious old lady waved her cane at him, and he quickly backed away.

A moment later, the young man tried again. He managed to dodge the old lady, but then two old men started shouting at him. Again, the young man backed away.

But he wasn’t giving up, and soon the young man approached the queue for the third time. By now, all of us pensioners were ready for him, an angry wall of opposition.
The young man stood there for a moment, and then shrugged his shoulders. “If you people won’t let me unlock the door, none of you will ever get in to shop.”

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I need to practice social-distancing – from my refrigerator.